Willow blushed and shook her head, saying, "I guess I'm not. I know I loved Tara and I still love her and miss her. But I love William too. Like I loved Oz and loved Xander. Maybe I'm bisexual but the way I felt when William kissed me, I know I'm not gay."

"K-K-Kissed you?"

"Yes. Last night. After we left you at the crypt. On the way home he kissed me. Several times. It was like he was different. He was always so shy before. But last night it was like he had new confidence. I guess patrolling made him feel more manly."

Buff was stunned speechless. God! The last thing she had wanted to do was to make William feel so secure he was able to make a pass at Willow!

"Then we got to talking and he suddenly asked me to marry him."

Buffy searched her mind for something, some barrier that she could put in the way of this romance.

"D-D-Does he..know ..about Tara? Does he know you were lovers? He's bound to find out and when he does..."

"I told him last night. He didn't seem shocked. He was very understanding. He said that when he was alive, before, that there was so much pressure on women to stay 'pure' that they often had deep friendships with other women, friendships that involved a lot of holding hands and hugging and kissing and sharing the same bed. He seemed to think such 'friendships' were harmless and even a good thing for a single woman. I guess in those days if you could stay a virgin and if it couldn't get you pregnant, it wasn't sex. They just considered it girlish games. Or William did. And does."

Buffy didn't know what to say. After Tara's death Willow had been so maddened with grief that she had embraced a Venalicium demon, made a bargain that allowed it to enslave her in order to gain its dark power. It had merged with her and they became the demon that killed Spike. That was only six months ago. How could Willow be mad with grief for Tara then and be ready to steal William from her now.

Steal William from her!! Since when did she consider William HERS? Buffy reeled from what Willow was telling her and even more from how she was reacting to it.

Why did she feel this way? For along time she denied that Spike loved her, denied it to him, denied it to everyone including herself. Her heart had stopped denying it long before her lips did. Finally she had accepted that Spike loved her and had come to think of him as "her monster," hers to use, hers to fuck, hers to hurt, hers finally to love. Hers more completely than one creature should ever belong to another. Even now that he was dust she still believed Spike was hers.

William had been part of Spike so she had subconsciously believed that the living William was hers as well. Now she was faced with a different reality, faced with a William who was NOT Spike, faced with a William that was not hers, faced with a William could give himself to Willow because he cared for Willow, not her. And Willow had KILLED Spike! Now she would get William! Like hell! Momentarily Buffy believed she'd rather send William into Dru's embrace than into Willow's.

Buffy realized that Willow was still talking. With a jerk she became aware of the words "wedding," as in "probably a civil service because there's no way to combine Jewish and Church of England wedding ceremonies."

Buffy watched Willow's face. It was lit up like a paper lantern, as if she was glowing from the inside.

"I'm so happy! I think this is the happiest day of my life. I don't have to tell you, Buffy, how it's been for me. Guys were never interested in me. I loved Xander most of my life and the only time he even wanted smoochies was when he was dating Cordelia and she wasn't having sex with him. Then there was Oz. He was so nice and gentle with me but when it came to sex, in the end, he preferred that animal Veruca. Then there was Tara. Finally I had someone who loved me for me. God but she was perfect for me. I know you were all kind of, well, disbelieving that I was with a woman after Xander and Oz but I believe I loved Tara for Tara, regardless of her being a girl or a guy. When she was killed," Willow teared up here, her eyes glistening with moisture," I didn't think anyone would ever want me again. I thought OldMaidsville for me."

Buffy tried to nod understandingly and be supportive but she'd thought the same thing.

"But William wants me, wants to marry me and we get along so well. He's really a sweet guy and after last night I think that we might be lustbunnies pretty soon." Here Willow smiled, a big grin. "Floating on a cloud of romance today. A fluffy pink cloud. With stars and fireworks on the side."

"Buffy, you don't mind, do you? I know you're not William's biggest fan. I know you think that he's kind of stuck-up but he's a good man. Say you're happy for me!"

Buffy forced herself to stretch her face into a facsimile smile, saying, "Of course, I'm..." Buffy made herself spit the word out, "happy for you. And yes, William is a good man. I was just surprised."

"Surprised?" asked William who had just come in the room. He gave her a brusque nod then went to Willow, sat down besides her, took her hand in his. He leaned over and pressed his lips to Willow's, letting them linger a moment before he broke contact. Buffy remembered feeling those lips on her a thousand times, on every inch of her body, remembered them pressed to her flesh as recently as last night. William put his arm over Willow's shoulder and she leaned up against him and smiled. William looked down at Willow as if he was telling himself a very amusing joke then looked at Buffy and asked, "I assume you were surprised by our engagement. Willow has made me very happy by accepting my offer of marriage. I hope all our friends will be happy for us. Especially you."

Buffy forced herself to grit her teeth and smile again. It made her face sore.

"Engaged? Yes, surprised. But I hope you both get all the happiness you deserve." Buffy wanted to scream. She had never confronted Willow about Spike. She had always hidden her feelings. As she watched them cuddle she found she wanted to beat something till its bones cracked under her fists. She normally defused her anger with slaying. That wasn't going to work in this situation.

She watched William turn to Willow and lightly kiss her on cheek. Then William smiled at her with what she imagined was a kind of smug delight.

Her heart turned to stone. To a cold, dead, stone fallen from a dead and starless sky into an Antarctic desert. She wanted Spike back and she could not bear the thought of her friend, the person who had killed Spike and who had then brought him back wrong, having what was left of him. William seemed some kind of demon in a stolen body, in Spike's stolen body. There had to be some spell to exorcise him and allow Spike to regain possession. Then she realized it didn't take a spell. All it took was...Drusilla.

"Well, patrolling tonight. Are you both ready?"

"Yes, Willow and I can meet you at your house, say sevenish? That way if there is any problem with Dawn we will be safe while we wait."

Aaaah. William didn't mean to put himself into a vulnerable position again.

Buffy left for home, the picture of Willow in William's arms flashing before her. She wasn't jealous, not really, she told herself. Really, she was, another part of her heart whispered.

She slammed in through her front door, angry and frustrated. She glanced to her left and found Dawn cuddled on the couch looking sad. Still feeling guilty for making them both cry last night she stopped and made herself speak softly to Dawn. She loved Dawn. More than she loved anything else alive and she needed to remember that.

"Hi Dawnie, how was your day?" she asked as she settled down next to the magical key. She reached out to hug her but Dawn winced away. Buffy pulled back but put her hand on her sister's shoulder.

"Sorry I was so rough with you last night. I was just so worried when I didn't know where you were. The whole thing reminded me of that last night with Spike. I know it was totally different, but," Buffy's voice broke a little as she continued," I was missing Spike a lot yesterday. I guess that set me off."

Dawn's face softened as she said, "I miss him too, Buffy. He was my best friend. I know that's weird but he was. He was the one person I could always depend on to support me in anything I did. I know sometimes that was bad because he was just as willing to support me when I was wrong as when I was right. I miss him so much that I'd do anything to get him back. I have so many nightmares where it's my fault because I didn't say hidden at the DoubleMeat Palace where you left me. If I had, Willow would never have caught me and Spike never would have died. I relive that in my dreams again and again." Dawn was crying a little, looking out the window to keep from looking at Buffy. So much crying the last 24 hours. Too much.

"If we could only get him back I'd be so happy. I could stop having the nightmares and you wouldn't hate me anymore."

"Dawn!!! I don't hate you! I love you more than anything!"

"I know, Buffy. I know you love me. But I know you hate me too, blame me for getting Spike killed. You hide it like you hide everything. Like you hid it when you were with him. Like I know you hide how you feel about Willow. You never say anything. And you know it wasn't really her that killed him. But I see the look you give her sometimes and I know. I know that look because I give to myself when I look in the mirror, because I blame myself for his death. As long as I live I'll never forgive myself."

Buffy pulled Dawn into her arms and they clung together, resting on the pillows, sharing their grief. Buffy finally pulled away, "Don't be sad, Dawnie. You know Spike wouldn't want you to be unhappy. And maybe we'll figure out someway to get him back yet. He wasn't human. It wouldn't be like Mom. There might be some way to bring him back. Then we could both sleep. Would you like that?"

Dawn's face blazed with happiness. "Is there, Buffy? Is there anyway to do it?"

Buffy knew she had said too much. She didn't want Dawn to put two and two together if William was turned...into Spike.

"I don't know. But I'm going to insist that Willow try again, look up more spells, find a way. I haven't pushed since she did it wrong the first time. Maybe William can help."

Dawn laughed, "Can you imagine what Spike would say about William?"

Buffy joined in the laughter, "I think I can! Poofter! Git! Nancyboy!"

"And what William would say about Spike?"

" Uncivilized, uncouth barbarian!!!"

They both dissolved in giggles, taking turns trying to top each other in describing a confrontation between Mr. Thinks-he's-so-Cool and Mr. Stick-up-the-Butt.

As they laughed together, part of Buffy went someplace deep inside, bracing herself for what she had to do tonight. If everything went well she, Spike and Dawn would be happy again. Except she knew she would never be happy again. The weight of guilt would press her down till she died of it. But Dawn could be happy. That much she could deliver. She could take the guilt off Dawn's shoulders and put it on her own.

The light dimmed and Buffy dressed for death, putting on a pair of old jeans, a T-shirt of Spike's she had found in his crypt and, finally, she wrapped herself in his leather coat. He had left it behind that last night, that symbol of his vampire life, the life she meant to return to him along with his coat. It still smelled like him, his aura still clung to its soft folds. She sent Dawn out with her boyfriend and sat wrapped in memories of Spike as she waited for tonight's victim to show up at her door.

~~~~~~~~

Behind Door Number 1... Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

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