by Kevin C. Sullivan aka RonnieDobbs
There is much talk about the upcoming war with Iraq; if we'll attack,
why we're fighting, trying to change the regime in the country.
While the economy goes down the tubes, snipers are killing children
in the streets, and the Yankees are not in the World Series, the
government would perfer to focus on their attack of this middle
eastern country. Bush has outlined many times the reasons for wanting
to topple Saddam, and has tried to get many other countries on his
However, recent facts have come into light which have blown everything
we knew about Iraq out of the water. Our situation with Iraq is
not about protecting national security or disarming a maniacl tyrant.
It's not about freeing an oppressed people. It's not een about oil.
It is a Wag The Dog performance of such massiv proportions that
it staggers the mind to even think about it. It is a charade played
with such incredible precision, that if there were awards handed
out for such a thing, it would win every year, without controversy.
What you are about to read may shock you... or maybe not. It depends
on how you handle things of this nature.
The Country of Iraq, which we have been at "odds" with
over the past decade or so is a farce. Not only is Iraq not our
enemy... the Country of Iraq doesn't even really exist at all. In
the mid-1950s, the United States bought up a bunch of land in the
former Mesopotamia era and called it "Iraq" for yet undisclosed
reasons. They encouraged citizens from various neighboring countries
to populate this new "country" and used it not as a military
base, but as a "desert desort park". However, but 1978,
the resort, which was mainly used like a Middle Eastern Camp David
for various Washington dignitaries, began to lose money. It was
at this point that certain members of the CIA thought of the idea
of using the "country" as a "distraction point",
especially with the country's economy tanking and oil prices going
through the roof.
"We were still having our Cold War with the Soviets,"
an unidentified source in the intelligence community told me, "but
we knew that wouldn't last forever. One of the guys in the office,
Jerry, he always wins the NCAA pool we have every years, he's very
good. Well, he actually guessed that they would only last about
ten more years. And he was right."
"So," our source continued,"we need SOMEONE to
be at odds with to distract the country from real problems. So we
proposed setting up a face 'dictator' up in 'Iraq' and have him
cause us trouble every so often until we got things back on track.
We proposed the idea to President Carter, and he hated it, but we
knew his days were numbered, too, so we went ahead and did it anyway."
The CIA spent the rest of 1978 searching for someone to play the
IRaq dictator, which the CIA playfully named "Saddam Hussein",
after the dog of one of their Middle Eastern agents. They found
him in Phil Davis, an actor from Manhattan's lower east side, starring
in an off-broadway cops & robbers musical "Miami Vice",
which would go on to be developed into a successful TV show and
Las Vegas theme park. The agents happened to catch the show and
after seeing Davis belt out the show stopping tune "So Much
Cocaine, So Little Time", they wiped the tears from their eyes
and approached him with a deal he couldn't refuse.
"We told him that he would have to leave everything behind
here in the States," our source told us, "and that his
indentity would be erased. But in return he would have almost total
control over the country, and would be allowed to build presidential
palaces, form an army, and even shoot a gun once in a while. He
thought it was a pretty sweet gig and signed up immediately."
Ever since then, whenever there has been domestic problems the
government would rather you not focus on, they pick up the little
red phone in the oval office and call Old Phil. In a matter of moments,
"Saddam" is ready to cause trouble, whether it be starting
a "war" with their neighbor Iran, "invading"
Kuwait (which, to be honest, didn't work out well, since we forgot
to tell Kuwait ahead of time), or building "weapons of mass
destruction." However, this current exercise in aggression,
our source tells us, have our frisky thespian in "Iraq"
a little worried.
"Well, Phil's a little nervous," our source told us,
"because President Bush, God love the little scamp, decided
to 'target' Iraq without actually telling Phil to begin with. We're
not entirely sure why he did this. I mean, if it was for distraction
reasons, we still have the war On Terror to keep America occupied...
and we didn't even have to plan that! But, most of all, it hurts
Phil's feelings because he didn't really have time to prepare. Phil's
a consumate professional, and he likes to make sure everything is
perfect. Remember that great 'You'll swim in the rivers of your
own blood' line from the 'Gulf War'? God, that was genius! Phil
totally ad-libbed that."
We're not sure what kind of response this column will get. Many
people will probably take it as a joke. Others may panic. There's
a chance that it might not even see the light of day, and that trained
government super ninja assassins will take me out before I can even
October 09, 2002